TheJourney : Day 1 (The Beginning)

I have decided to start with my diet today January 11,2016. Why? Simply, because I’m tired of my unhealthy lifestyle. I never wanted to be really skinny. I’d still prefer meaty yet average BMI. 

Photo posted by : @ChloeAsh

At this moment, I stood as severely obese according to my BMI (Body Mass Index). This saddened me because I realized how demotivated I was. I drown myself of toxic foods, laziness, longer sleeping habits and more.

This year, I will pull-out myself in the box. I will motivate and work hard to be fit. Slowly but surely with NO YO-YO EFFECT hopefully.

Here are the most CUT-OFFS Habits :

  1. Sleeping late
  2. Oversleeping
  3. Over-eating unnecessary foods
  4. Chips, sweets and soda
  5. Sitting and lying longer than I move
  6. Eating more Carbohydrates

So far, these habits are the commonly popular habits that some people do, like me. Here are some of mu list that I want to change from now on.

The MUST DO!!

  1. Sleep on-time atleast 8hrs a day
  2. EAT healthy ( green, red, orange vegetable and fruits)
  3. Balance diet
  4. Prepare homemade healthy shakes once a day.
  5. Detox 2wks per month(alternatively)
  6. Do fitness… Dance!
  7. Move more….
  8. Meditate Daily

Looking at this list is so hard to adjust I must say. But I have to be back on track and motivate myself to work harder.

As of today, I weighed 86 kg and It’s depressing. I started drinking 1/2 Lemon with warm water in the morning/ when I wake up.

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Hold my hand and don’t let go

Hold my hand and don’t let go,

Because I will lead you the way,

Fear not, because I won’t let you go.

Hold my hand and don’t let go,

Because I will be right beside you

When times get tough.

Hold my hand and don’t doubt,

Because our love for each other

Is greater than our fears.

Hold my hand and don’t look back,

‘Cause that won’t do good for us,

Look straight ’cause there is a lot to look forward to.

Hold my hand and trust me my love,

‘Cause our journey is like a rollercoaster ride,

Fear not, for I am here with you.

To let you feel that you are not alone.

Hold my hand and don’t push me away,

‘Cause my heart knows how much I LOVE YOU,

Stop pushing me away,

‘Cause my heart might get tired,

And I am afraid, so AFRAID that I have to save my HEART,

To save my LOVE FOR YOU.

So please, HOLD MY HAND AND DON’T LET GO.

Carmen Sheila Madrazo Barril

To the person who made me feel less..

I LOVE YOU my love, YES I DO! I couldn’t not imagine life without you. I couldn’t take couple of days without seeing you or not being by your side. I couldn’t bare the ‘MISSING YOU’ feeling. I will sure miss your SCENT, your SMILE, your Voice and  ANNOYING you.

I LOVE YOU ever since I laid my eyes on you. It felt like time has stopped and the skies are full of shimmering stars. I know at that very moment YOU are the one. I really believed you are GOD’s gift. But believe me, I really do thought of that up until now.

At first, you made me feel LOVED and I was important to you. Honestly, it was the best feeling ever. I was not living with you by then. Every weekend is something to look forward to. The excitement and the ‘MISSING’ feeling again is something I can’t even explain. It was in a different kind of level. By then, we shared the same intimacy and excitement.

The moment we decided to live in one house I was scared yet excited. Imagine, we don’t need to wait for 5 days and a half to see each other again. No more ‘MISSING’ feeling! I asked myself if I am ready to take another big step. I was unsure but I know only one thing THAT I LOVE YOU and I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU. After a couple of doubts I came to a final decision— TO BE WITH THE MAN I LOVE SO DEAR.

So then, I moved and we are together everyday. I made sure that all your needs are attended to. From washing clothes, cleaning, ironing to cooking. It’s fine that’s part of the relationship right? Your working and I am not. I made sure when your home and after you took a nap, the dinner is ready. Then I clean the table and kitchen. We, then watched movie or show you save in the tv and then smoke when it’s about time to smoke.  We had the same routine every night. I didn’t noticed the changed until…………. it’s pretty obvious!

We don’t go out anymore and you don’t want to come with me if I go out. At first, I thought it’s fine because I know your tired and you worked so hard. Until I realized it’s not normal anymore. I felt our world evolved only in this 4 sides of our home. I didn’t even noticed at first that there is some kind of feeling that was hidden inside me. Sadness, frustration, loneliness and even despair. Until one day, it came out and I noticed those feelings. It was so heavy, i felt like I’m drowning but I am trying to swim to survive. I don’t want you to noticed that I am unhappy and hurting because I REALLY LOVE YOU. I was terrorizing myself. I know I am strong but I have my weakness too.

It came to the point we kept on arguing everyday and much worst fighting. Trust me my love, I am trying to understand you. I wouldn’t be hurt like this if I don’t. I don’t know if your ignoring me or you just didn’t noticed me crying every night.

I know what you want, I wanna give it to you. Me loosing weight is the only important thing to you. But my love, It is not easy when all I feel is despair. We don’t share the same intimacy in bed. No matter what I do, No matter how I tried it just wouldn’t work. I felt belittled and taken for granted. I even shared my feelings and thoughts about it. And got a very shocking feedback.

  • ‘LOOSE SOME WEIGHT BECAUSE IT IS NOT NICE TO HAVE S** WITH A FAT WOMAN’
  • ‘LOOSE WEIGHT AND BELIEVE ME IT WILL CHANGE A LOT OF THINGS’
  • ‘I WANT TO DO NICE THINGS BUT YOUR FAT AND IT IS NOT NICE’

There are a lot more you’ve said that It felt like every words are breaking my bones one by one into pieces. I know I am not sexy but you don’t need to slap that in my face all the time. I felt insulted by words and action when there is no need to. I know! I know! You don’t noticed that and you are so desperate. But that is still not an excuse. Your destroying my self-esteem that I built for so long. Every time we go out I felt so ashamed and I don’t know why. I felt your ashamed to go out with me because your thinking that people are staring at us because you are with a fat woman. And your ashamed that they will laugh at us.

You made me feel less. However, I will try to pull myself back so I can be better. I know I am not perfect but I have a huge heart. I am just a human who wanted to feel I matters too.

I lied when I said IT’S ALRIGHT…

They said : when you love someone, you have to give your all to the person you love. When you love someone, you became the best version of yourself. When you love someone, you will feel complete as a person. When you love some, you would give up everything for the person you love and etc. I grew up with these thinking. I thought that when you show love to the person you love, you will get love back. But I was wrong!

da22e65a842f59f10645a395a2adf630I love him so much. I love him so much to the point I gave up everything just to be with him. That I can make him feel my presence. That when he gets home, I will be there waiting for me so he won’t feel alone. And when my friends called, I would decline for an invitation. WHY? So he won’t be left here feeling sad. Every time I go out, my thoughts is left at home, thinking about him. Because I love him so much that I forgot my worth … in short I LOST MYSELF!

I only wanted to be LOVE. Someone who wil love me for who I am. Someone who would kiss me in the morning and cuddle me. Someone who would wipe my tears and comfort my aching heart. Someone who would make me feel I am needed and wanted. Someone who wanted to go out with me. Someone who is not ashamed to be with me. Someone who is PROUD that I am his girlfriend. Someone who wanted intimacy and would never get tired till we are old.

I don’t need someone who will make me feel LESS and EMPTY!

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If only you could open my heart so you can see how much it bleeds. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but my mouth doesn’t want to open. It chose to be SILENT! There is a day, I wanted to smash my head on the wall, so I can feel more pain or maybe a bit of a luck, I will have amnesia. YES! Amnesia , so I can forget whatever feelings I have for you. Because my STUPID heart always chooses to LOVE you instead. YES! YOU HAVE MY HEART all the time. But the pain is killing me, not only physically but also my SOUL.

Yes! I lied when I said IT’S ALRIGHT. Even if I know that in between our story I lost the man I LOVE. The man who made me feel whole. The man who don’t want to see me sad and cry. I lied when I said I’m mad at you. Because I know my heart would resist feeling that. Instead of anger it diverts to love and pain. WHY? WHY? WHY?

PLEASE BRING HIM BACK TO ME. Because this pain is killing me and I don’t know until when I can hold it. I have so much love to show and give.

After a month ….

It’s more than a month now and I was thinking our weighing scale was broke. hahaha! I’ve never loosed weight though I can see some changes in my body. Isn’t  it weird or it’s just normal? Sometimes it decreases 3 kilos thsocialen went back again. Though I am carefully watching my calories intake. Oh! but I have one cheat day every week. I’ve downloaded different apps in my mobile such as calorie counter no monitor my food
intake.

Nevertheless, I am still motivated for my goal. Slowly but surely. There is no RUSH afterall.

Party fever NO MORE!

It’s Saturday and as they said “IT’S PARTY TIME“. I am a socialite and love to have fun with friends. I have spent my off days going out. Weekend was something to look forward when weekdays started. As years went by, a lot of things had happened and changed. I don’t know if it’s the age or I’m just simply fed up wasting my time and energy.

I like to spend the weekend in peace and cozy. I prefer a quite walk in the park, relaxing, picnic, adventure, watching movies and etc. Instead of spending being wasted and have sleepless nights from a exhausting nights like parties, bars and drinking session.

A friend of me once said “if you haven’t experienced extreme parties then you will never get tired of partying until you are satisfied”. Well, I guess he was right. I had been to different kind of parties, name it I experienced it all. To be honest, I missed those kind of life though. But as years goes by, I realized that there are more things that matters.
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As what they all said YOLO (you only live once) does not portray to party hard, get drunk or do enormously crazy things. Hence, it means to do things that simply matters most and is worth spending while your still alive. Spend more time with family and friends. Do useful things aside from gossiping and getting drunk. Go for a weekend spree away from the busy life in the city. Visit new places, meet new people, experience other cultures, nurture the wonders of nature. Because one this will all be memories. Memories that we can share to our little ones and who knows we end up in a nursing home. We can share great memories while having a tea in the porch with our oldies buddy.

The Journey : Day 2 ( Detox indeed)

We all familiar with the word Detox ( a process or period of time in which one abstains from or rids the body of toxic or unhealthy substances). This sounds so easy to do but I tell you, IT’S NOT! With all the food that I am used to of eating. It’s like I am doing a suicide. Depriving myself of not eating the foods that I am used to.

So I’ve searched about detoxifying. Recipes how on how to do and make it. Be it juice , tea or food. Well, I ended up thinking should I really do this or not? I feared that I will just end up craving more and more. But with all the motivation I have in mind. I did tried!

First thing when I woke up, I drank a 1/2 Lemon with warm water. Then, I had coffee the usual. Which I am not sure is good or not when your in Detox ( please correct me if I did it wrong). Every hour 2 hours I drank 2 glasses of water. I replaced each meal with a disgusting shake that I made. Since, we didn’t do our grocery yet. I, then used what we have left in the fridge.

2 Carrots, 1/2 lemon, 1/2 orange, 1/4 cucumber + Honey to add taste. This is so disgusting to taste, baaaah! But, hell I care. I kept going till I consumed it the whole day. In between every drink. I had the urge to defecate. Geez! I looked like I had a diarrhea. The smell is really toxic. ( Sorry to include that) ! Every defecation, I drank 2 glasses of water to prevent myself from dehydration.

By the end of the day , I felt relief somehow.